Living with an Auto-immune Disorder

Living with an Auto-immune Disorder

I rarely talk about my health struggles publicly. I have always had a feeling that I am way better off than some people. But comparing your situation to the worst often brings conflicts. Whilst you retain the feeling of gratefulness, you also start ignoring the feeling of sadness. It is important to acknowledge sadness. It is okay to rant about your problems, no matter how silly they may be in comparison to the other world problems. You are not responsible for the world's problems.

I suffer from psoriases, purely cosmetic, but rather irritating and annoying. It inflamed when I was stuck in Bangalore during Covid. So around March, 2020. It hasn't slowed down since then.

Thank god, it is purely cosmetic, otherwise what would I do lol.

I have consulted with multiple doctors, have taken some of the most expensive medicines but nothing really works. I started with Allopathy, went to the dermat, all of them have the same solution - steroid creams + immuno suppressants.

The immuno suppressants don't fit well with my body, it causes nausea, appetite loss, gastric, stomach ache, etc. and totally mess up my mood. And I am also tired of modern medicine (yeah, I know)

I then moved to Ayurveda, alt medicine, I took it for 9 months, but there were a lot of restrictions on diet and my condition wasn't getting better so I relented and went back to modern medicine. It was the same treatment - steroids + immuno suppressants. Duh. Again the same cycle of suffering.

Suffering(side-effects) > Suffering(psoriases) so I left again in search of alt medicine.

I am taking alt treatments and so far it is okay, there are no side effects but the cosmetic aberration hasn't gone anywhere. But it has not inflamed.

Cosmetic issues do trigger inferiority complex and your self esteem takes a hit. It doesn't effect me that much, but it would be unfair to say that it doesn't effect me. Has it hurt my self esteem? Somewhat. It is a long road towards not caring. I will reach there.

I feel a sense of unease that it triggers for some people around me, I have always been a shy, goody good boi and that doesn't make me the best person out there. I possess confidence, but most of it comes from how good I am at my job(software engineering) and writing. You should look at some of the cover letters I have written to gauge my confidence on paper. I present myself to be 0.1%ile :P

I have been trying to fix my confidence problem. I have been going out more and interacting with people more, I am surely gaining confidence and an understanding of how world works and how most it won't care.

But does the auto-immune condition effect my life? Yes. Would I be better without it? Yes.

I have thrown money at the problem, it doesn't solve anything as of now :P

I believe in miracles, so maybe some day, it will just go away.

I am not demanding any pity, there are people who suffer from way worse things, the condition has only affected my skin. Also I am financially okay, I can afford the treatment. I might pretend that it doesn't affect me or my chances to climbing the corporate ladder, but it does, ya know.

I cannot become a model, or an actor, or anything front office.

Imagine going to a big office and hundreds of people inquiring "oh it isn't infectious?" Well, no. Auto-immune disorders aren't infectious. Why would I be roaming outside my house if it was infectious? (These situations are just in my mind)

So, yes, this is all I wanted to say today. It feels good to put words to feelings.

If you are here till now, thank you listening to me. I am grateful. You are a friend. I will invite you to my wedding if I ever get married. If your name is good and unique then maybe I will name my first born after you, but no promises.