Tiwari already had a government job but wanted to do something different. On a whim, he applied to DoPN, the Department of Planetary Naming, and to his surprise, he got in.
Tiwari was trying his best to blow out the candles on his tenth work anniversary cake, but his boss had made sure the candles were the special kind that stayed lit even after someone sprayed a fire extinguisher on them. After ten minutes, Tiwari was out of breath. His boss flipped a button on his mobile phone, and all the candles went out. Everyone ate the cake and went back to their booths.
The boss tapped Tiwari on the shoulder and asked him to come to his office. Tiwari nodded, went to his booth, wiped his mouth, ate two mints, and marched to the boss’s office.
The boss congratulated him again and announced that he was going to give Tiwari an opportunity of a lifetime. Tiwari assumed it was a promotion, but when he opened the letter, he was taken aback. Inside was a ticket to the nearest DoPN layover planet, Ishigum. Tiwari had traveled to space only once before, when he and his wife went on a Moon tour for their twentieth wedding anniversary. He had never gone this far into space.
“Tiwari, you have given ten years of your life to DoPN. It is time DoPN gave you an experience to remember,” said the boss.
“Sir, I think a younger fellow like Sriram would be better suited for this. He loves to travel,” replied Tiwari.
“No, Tiwari. He does not have the troubleshooting skills. You should go. It is a first-class ticket. You will have fun.”
“But what is the assignment, sir?”
“I have emailed you a file. Print it and read it on the spaceship. You will find it interesting. You can go home now and pack. Your ship leaves tomorrow morning.”
Tiwari left the boss’s office. He packed his bag and went home. He told his wife that he was going on an office trip and would be back in a month. His wife was not too happy about it. He stayed up all night in anticipation.
The next day, he took a cab to the nearest ship station and boarded the spacecraft bound for the space station. The journey was uneventful. Space travel had become too smooth. Time-consuming, but smooth. He felt no bumps or nausea. The spaceship also pumped a chemical mixture into the cabin air to keep passengers calm and composed. He felt good.
He did not want to ruin his journey by reading the file, which he was sure contained some massively complex and unsolvable problem. He knew his boss well. This was not a free ride. Something unpleasant was definitely waiting in that file.
After nine days, Tiwari reached the layover planet, Ishigum. He took an automated pod to his hotel, unpacked, and rested for a while. His nausea returned, but every hotel kept “calm” pills on the bedside table. He took two and fell asleep.
After waking up, he took another automated pod to the DoPN office on Ishigum and was surprised to see a robot stationed there. It looked like someone had beaten the shit out of it. Tiwari felt sad. He entered the office and began reading the file.
It was a simple but unsolvable case. Two captains had discovered a planet and both wanted it named after themselves. There were no time receipts to determine who had discovered it first. Both Planet Naming Forms had been submitted at the same time, and neither party was willing to compromise. Just as Tiwari had anticipated, it was an unsolvable.
Now he had to call both captains to the DoPN office and attempt to find a solution.
Tiwari wanted to resolve the matter as quickly as possible, so he summoned both captains, Jammy Pantis and Crocodem Cockling Jr., to the office. Both captains were large and muscular. They looked more like fighters than spaceship pilots.
Tiwari listened to arguments from both sides, but there was no compromise in sight. Neither captain was willing to donate money to DoPN to settle the issue. Tiwari had no idea what to do. The DoPN robot suggested that the captains fight it out. Tiwari saw a glimmer of light appearing behind the Robot’s eyes, I think the Robot wanted vengeance and Tiwari thought it was an acceptable solution.
A fight was scheduled for the next day.
Tiwari soon found himself standing inside a cage, trying to manage two bear-like humans hungry for blood. He fought his own conscience to avoid fainting. As soon as the bell rang, he was pushed aside and the blows began to land. Every strike was followed by a cracking sound. Tiwari was horrified. He had seen street fights before, but never anything like this.
After five minutes of standing frozen in shock, the bell rang again, snapping him out of his trance. He saw Captain Cockling lying on the floor, blood pooled around him. A ringing filled Tiwari’s ears, and he lost consciousness.
Tiwari fluttered and opened his eyes. He was lying in a room, and Captain Jammy Pantis was in the neighboring bed. Captain Pantis was covered in bandages and was being fed blood through intravenous pipes.
“Yello, Planet Namer. How you feeling?”
“I’m okay. How are you? And where is Captain Cockling?”
“He is fine. He just had surgery. His seventeenth surgery. He thinks he is strong, but keeps getting his ass kicked.”
“You all do this often?”
“Yes, to pass time. You see, guiding a spaceship is not difficult anymore. Most functions are automated, so we need our daily dose of adrenaline. There are multiple underground tournaments. You should try it sometime.”
“Oh no, this is not for me. So how does it feel to have a planet named after you?”
“Eh, nothing. I have named twenty-seven planets. Not a big deal.”
“Then why were you fighting for it?”
“Pride, Mr. Planet Namer. Pride.”
“Oh.”
Tiwari was discharged after two hours, but both captains had to stay for a week. He filed the Planet Naming Form in favor of Captain Pantis and booked the next spaceship back to Earth. He had had an eventful two days and was ready to return to his daily routine at the DoPN São Paulo office.
However, news of a DoPN officer resolving planetary naming disputes through fights spread across multiple space stations. Soon, captains began demanding Tiwari specifically as their troubleshooter.
fin.
If you want to read more about DoPN, then read this previous blog: https://musings.peculiarvivek.com/department-of-planetary-naming
